i just got back from my spanish lesson. i feel like i'm learning some.. then there are times during the lessons where i feel like i've learned it before- so it's more or less just a review and check-up on my knowledge. at least i don't feel totally lost anymore.
i was thinking about who exactly is responsible for my genes which seemed to think it's a good idea to take risks and how i'm eager to learn new things. it MUST be my dad because my mom is like a hermit and she'd rather stay to herself where she ASSUMES it's "safe". safe = boring and going BACK in my progress in life. i've NEVER had the desire to live in this close-minded bigoted state. i grew up in a town where there wasn't ANY black people in my grade or school at the time i was going to school. I was the darkest one in ALL my school sports pictures. i grew up with discrimination. i was always the little brown girl in school. the ONLY other race in our school was mexican but there weren't any other mexicans crazy enough to want to associate with white people (they stayed in their little "cliques" in school and there WAS one particularly with mexicans only but i never found anything in common with them because they all spoke spanish and my mom's side of the family raised me- which was ONLY english speaking.. i admit- i always wanted to learn what they were saying, so i could communicate with people who looked like they had more in common with me rather than the white, english speaking people i was raised with). it just naturally seemed like the right thing to do for me from a young age because my mom and her parents were white. people can try to say, "SHE DIDN'T GET DISCRIMINATED AGAINST! WE MADE SURE ALL SHE GOT WAS RESPECT." were you on my shoulder at ALL times? NO. stfu. i think it's more than likely the reason why i never had any boyfriends in school. i heard the last time i was at work and someone was making a speech at the party, they referred to "black AND brown people".. i hear that a lot now when i'm in st. paul. i also remember the speaker mentioning "black and brown people" at philando castile's memorial speeches. i NEVER heard the brown people/mexicans even being mentioned when i was growing up- because a majority of the people were WHITE. black people also seem more willing to join with hispanic people. i can honestly tell you that i'm more comfortable around black people than white people. they're not so quick to discriminate or hate. that's a big reason why i've NEVER wanted to live in this state. it's never been diverse enough for me. even my mom discriminates against black people. she can try to deny it but i KNOW that's why she's only been to my apartment in st. paul once.. maybe twice. i don't know where the hell she got it from either. my grandpa always said that it didn't matter what color people were and my grandma worked with black people, so she basically had to tolerate them. my mom is weak minded- so it may have been something she learned when she was young and she doesn't like change because it's unpredictable and unsafe to her. i really didn't know my dad.. he left when i was younger and just enough time for him and my mom to make my brother.. other than that- my mom had my sister with another hispanic guy but that was about 30 years ago and he was from TEXAS. he also enjoyed beating the shit outta my mom. a guy's dick could NEVER be that good for me to allow him to beat on me and impregnate me. i'd rather be an old maid than get the shit beat outta me by the father of my children. ANOTHER REASON WHY WE'RE NOTHING ALIKE!.. besides, i think i'd scare any guy with any amount of intelligence from beating or even laying a finger inproperly on me. i'm pretty sure most guys might have a sense of fear when it comes to talking/interacting with me.. from my experience anyway. i think i've only had to push ONE guy off of me with my foot and leg in burnsville while in bed. i'm pretty sure he's one of my facebook friends now though- so it couldn't have hurt him too bad. i don't really remember my dad though but i'm pretty sure i must've got his risk-taking personality because my mom is just a turtle hermit. she can try to cling to me ALL she wants to weigh me down from reaching my TRUE POTENTIAL ALL SHE WANTS BUT I DON'T HAVE TO EVER INTERACT OR COMMUNICATE WITH HER AGAIN. don't push it. i don't need YOU or any of these close-minded bigots of relatives to "support" me- which they never do (EXCEPT JOE) because it's not beneficial or convenient for them. so you dicks can try to keep me from succeeding at MY goals just because they're different and not convenient for you but guess what? THIS IS MY LIFE.. not yours. go find someone else to wash your white hoods.
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